Please help. Need advice on leech removal and disposal?

I have a new furry little friend (we'll call him Ernie). I am quite fond of Ernie but the problem is he has 2 leeches (we'll call one Briley and the other Goddess) attached to him that I can't figure out how to get rid of. I don't want to get rid of Ernie or trade him for a new friend but these 2 leeches are getting in the way. What is the most effective and painful method of getting rid of leeches?Please help. Need advice on leech removal and disposal?
WHAT?? Goddess is married?? well now, this changes absolutely nothingPlease help. Need advice on leech removal and disposal?
Never poison or burn a leech they will vomit and that poison will enter the bloodstream of the host.





The correct method is to peel them off with a knife from the mouth. Thus prevent them contaminating the blood.





However in the case of Goddess just tell her Ernie hates the Saints (Football team). This will cause a split that will allow you to get the knife in and peel her off.





_()_
Surprise attacks always work best in this case. You go at Ernie with both hands of course and proceed to grab those 2 leeches and pull them off slowly. Once you've removed them from the source, you should keep them in a glass jar on your shelf for future reference in how the leech works. You might also score some tips from them.
First, you have to eat a furry fish taco, a really spicy one. Then spray your FFT breath all over the ';leeches';. One of two things will happen. They will either shrivel up and die. Or they will get really turned on. If the second happens, you have a whole new problem on your hands.
First, it's a lot more likely that you're dealing with ticks


rather than leeches.


For either, get some matches. Burn one, blow it out and expose the parasite's rear to the hot head. (It may take more than one per parasite.)


Usually they will withdraw and let go.


Then brush them off and squash them.
Obviously, start a rumor that the leeches have herpes. Apple herpes and Turtle herpes, the two most virulent strains.





Then you can reassure ';Ernie'; that you always practice safe sex by using a rubber...ducky.
Thar thar, ye wench of lore. Leeches be a good thing ta have, good fer cleansin' thee body and purifyin' thee soul.